Green Owl Post, From a Man
by aldalindil
Summary: A series of owls between Severus Snape and Gilderoy Lockhart, based on Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham." SS/GL slash.


**Disclaimer:** Severus Snape, Gilderoy Lockhart, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and all related materials belong to J.K. Rowling, not me. "Green Eggs and Ham" belongs to Dr. Seuss.  
  
**Archiving:** The Severus Snape Fuh-Q Fest Archive, FanFiction.Net, and anyone else who wants it. Please ask first, though.  
  
**Warning:** Rated 'R' for adult language and sexual themes. If rude language and crass humor offend you, this fic is probably not one that you should be reading.   
  
**Author's Notes:** Written for the Second Wave of the Severus Snape Fuh-Q Fest, in response to Scenario 25: "Love letters by owl post. Someone is using the school owls to send Severus love letters. He writes back." Dashes are used to mark separations between owls. Many thanks to Minerva McTabby, whose delightful Seuss-parody "That Potter Slash!" inspired me to write this. Thanks also to Rain for reading it, and to Dovie for reading it and helping me figure out what to call it.   
This is a series of owls between Snape and Gilderoy Lockhart. Lockhart's owls are in italics, and Snape's are in plain text. I hope they both (but especially Snape) forgive me for this. ;) Feedback is greatly appreciated, so please review!  
************************  
  


**Green Owl Post, From a Man  
* * ***

  
  
_I am blonde!  
I'm a boy!  
I'm Gild-er-oy!_  
—  
Oh, Gild-er-oy!  
Oh, Gild-er-oy!  
I do not like  
you, foolish boy!  
—  
_Would you like  
to make sweet love?_  
—  
I would not like to,  
Gild-er-oy.  
I do not think  
I would enjoy.  
—  
_Would you fuck me,  
here or there?_  
—  
I would not fuck you  
here or there.  
I would not want to  
anywhere.  
I do not think I would enjoy.  
I will not fuck you,  
Gild-er-oy.  
—  
_Would you fuck me  
on a bed?  
Would you let me  
give you head?_  
—  
I would not fuck you  
on a bed.  
I would not let you  
give me head.  
I will not fuck you  
here or there.  
I will not fuck you  
anywhere.  
I do not think I would enjoy.  
I just don't like you, Gild-er-oy.  
—  
_Would you do me  
in the shower?  
Or if not there,  
in the Astronomy Tower?_  
—  
Not in the shower.  
Not in the tower.  
Nor in a bed,  
And "No" to head.  
I will not fuck you here or there.  
I will not fuck you anywhere.  
I simply know I won't enjoy.  
I do not want you, Gild-er-oy.  
—  
_Would you? Could you?  
Suck my dick?  
Try it! Lick it!  
You won't get sick!_  
—  
I would not,  
could not,  
suck your dick.  
—  
_You might like it!  
Though this may be crude.  
You might like me  
in the nude!_  
—  
Why can't you see that I am straight?  
Not in the nude! Go masturbate!  
  
I will not fuck you in the shower.  
Nor in the nude, in the Astronomy Tower.  
I would not like to suck your dick.  
I assure you, the thought makes me sick.  
I will not, no matter what the parameter.  
Not in free verse, or iambic pentameter.  
I do not want you, I wouldn't enjoy.  
I do not like you, Gild-er-oy.  
—  
_Whips! And leather!  
And feathers, I think!  
Could you, would you,  
with some kink?_  
—  
Not with a whip! No leather for me!  
Not with kink, dolt, let me be!  
  
I would not, could not, in the shower.  
Not in the dungeon, or the Astronomy Tower.  
I will not let you give me head.  
Please, go fuck yourself instead.  
I will not do you here or there.  
I will not do you anywhere.  
I am straight! I don't like boys!  
I just don't want you, Gild-er-oy!  
—  
_Say!  
Up the ass?  
I know it's crass, but...  
Would you stick it up my ass?_  
—  
I would not, could not,  
up your ass.  
—  
_Would you, could you,  
with a potion?_  
—  
I would not, could not, with a potion.  
Not up your ass. Not even with lotion.  
Not in the nude, and not with kink.  
You're just not right for me, I think.  
Not in a bed. Not in the shower.  
No giving head. Not in the tower.  
I will not fuck you here, or there.  
I do not like you anywhere!  
—  
_You would not like me  
for your toy?_  
—  
I do not  
want you,  
Gild-er-oy.  
—  
_Could you, would you,  
with a goat?_  
—  
I certainly would not  
with a goat!  
—  
_Would you, could you,  
in the moat?_  
—  
I could not, would not, in the moat.  
I certainly will never, with a goat.  
Nor would I do it in the lake,  
Not with the squid, or a mandrake.  
Not in the nude, or silk boxers or briefs.  
Why won't you quit owling me? Good grief!  
I simply will not suck your dick.  
Go away, Lockhart, you are making me sick.  
I will not fuck you in the shower.  
Not in the dark, not up the Tower.  
I will not fuck you at this school.  
Why can't you understand, you fool?  
  
I do not like you! I'm not gay!  
Now, Lockhart, please just go away!  
  
I do not want you,  
Gild-er-oy.  
—  
_You do not want me.  
So you say.  
Try it! Kiss me!  
And you may.  
Try it and you may, I say._  
—  
Damn!  
If you will let me be,  
I will kiss you.  
You will see.  
—  
....  
—  
Say!  
I think, in fact, I might like boys!  
I do! I want you, Gild-er-oy!  
And I would fuck you with a potion!  
I think I'd like to use some lotion!  
  
And I will fuck you in the tower.  
In the nude! Let's take a shower!  
And with some kink. I'll give you head.  
You are so good, so good, in bed!  
  
So I will fuck you up the ass.  
Out by the lake, on the soft green grass.  
And I will fuck you, wearing leather.  
Perhaps I'll tease you, with a feather.  
I want to do you here and there.  
Say! Why don't we do it EVERYWHERE?  
  
Gay sex is fun!  
I do enjoy!  
Thank you!  
Thank you,  
Gild-er-oy!  



End file.
